My father says, no matter what happens, how the manager treats you, whether you are given a hike or not, whether you are given a promotion or not, never stop working, and this will help you achieve what you deserve. This is success for him.
I used to believe him in this regard with utmost respect and belief, but it is very recent that I realised corporate success definition doesn’t fit well to what values he taught me. Whatever he taught me, it genuinely worked with my best friends and family, but it doesn’t even fit in the society these days.
You are a part of the society and corporate; in fact, you fit very well into it if you are selfish, money-oriented, cunning, and someone who very well knows to maintain friendship with your boss in corporate; otherwise, you do not fit in it; you become a target.
I’m honestly okay to be not a part of the crowd. In fact, I’m not trying to fit into it, but sometimes I feel my discipline and punctuality is not a boon, but it’s a bane for me. Or maybe I do not have the maturity yet to use them according to the people I’m with. Maybe my nature is constant, my intentions are pure, and most importantly, being a hard-working woman is affecting me badly from within.
Or maybe my father forgot to teach me that the values that he learnt are something that fits well only in the Army or at least majorly fits well, and not in the civil life. He strongly believes that you are successful only if you are able to go to bed with peace of mind.
He is true. From the bottom of my heart, I feel that he is true, but I haven’t experienced the fruitful outcome of being who I am yet, or what it feels like to be what he taught me. I do not know it yet!
With this nature of mine, I’m unable to go to bed at peace. I’m expecting what I deserve, but I’m not getting it, and that pokes me badly.
Or all these are happening to me because I’m dark-skinned woman, and according to Indian standards, I don’t look beautiful? I don’t look beautiful because I’m dark? Or I’m actually not beautiful? I do not understand this logic, and even if I try to understand it, I did try to actually, but it was never a thing that I could get it!!
People around call me feminist and argumentative. Honestly speaking, I’m not targeted if I do not speak back, but I do not wish to stay silent, and I believe that this nature of mine makes me call beautiful, or at least I call myself beautiful. They say I argue about this because I’m not beautiful? I guess I’m just overthinking, or maybe it makes sense?
I genuinely do not wish to know the answer to this question of mine because I know that I’ll be deeply hurt by the societal comments, and trust me, it happened to me multiple times. From my childhood, I have grown up listening to these comments, and I’m still not over it yet.
Look to what level I have reached due to the societal norms that have been created by the so-called “FAIR” people in India. I ended up connecting success to looking beautiful.
I just wish one day, maybe just once in my life, people around me and in corporate understand who I am really and respect my real nature, give me what I deserve, and love me how much I deserve.
I feel the pain today, deep pain beneath my heart, with the thoughts that I’m immersed into. Life feels like a game, and I am not the favourite player of anyone around me, in any game.
I truly wish to experience what it feels like to not be targeted, cornered, and unworthy..!!